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hi ! i better blog out my thoughts before i forget them. I know it will be a lengthy post again. but i don't write these down, wouldn't my blog lose its purpose? it is my ranting ground and record down my thoughts. perhaps not much people would read it. but i still want to say what i feel. Did my comm skills individual presentation about a memorable person which is my father. I thought everything can be presented successfully. Nevertheless, the fragile me cried at the moment i started, making everyone shocked until dunno what. perhaps some would think i choose this topic to attract attention n have plan to cry during the presentation. I swear i didn't. I have prepared wat i have wanted to say, as well as a script. I thought i wouldn't cry because its has been so many years since he was gone. Moreover, when i am preparing for the script, I did not cry. listened to mariah carey's bye bye also nvr cry. I dunno when its gonna be turn, i can feel those tear glands coming on the way already. I just can't continue the presentation anymore. alright i did attempt to present but was choking with words. Those preparation were so much, but was still useless at the very end. But i meant what i say: cherish your loves ones because you wouldn't know when they would leave you. of course i dun meant that anyone would think i purposely chose this topic or whatever, i just putting things in an analogy. Reason of choosing this topic is because its on the comm skills book which i randomly chose it. Oh well perhaps not random cos i have no topics to choose so i just chose it. And i thought i could share with some parts and parcel of my life to the class. sigh. wrong topic i have chosen i must say. Sorry to those people after me are presenting because i sort of like interupted their presentation. i am fine really. i'll stay strong. mentioning about attention seeking. i have received several comments about me today. Yes, i would like to admit that I am vain. I have never deny this fact. Yes, i am ugly and fat too which i know it myself. But i never wanted to attract attention as what some commented. Yes i know this fact and even way more. As what was commented on my fashion sense... Ok... correction, it should way of dressing : very vain, sense of dressing so attention seeking, somemore so fat and ugly still want to wear until " like that". Firstly I do not understand by "like that". Meaning? Very skimpy? I wear very striking clothes to school like prom gown? I dunno. No. i never wear skimpy clothes. Yes i do wear sleeveless and dresses to school. But i dun understand it? some poly school mates wear like that too ryte? My dresses are casual dresses that i thought it was convenient for my morning lessons when i just have to slip on one piece in order to save time. And i dun tink i am wearing skimpy clothes because i would wear a tube in low cuts and i don't have a " mini skirt " that is like really mini. the short skirt i have is just slightly above my knees. perhaps only 5 fingers? And to the comment of "vain". I got say i not vain mehs? Yeahs, i do put on makeup and make an effort on my dressing. This is becos i think i am very fat and ugly that i have to use clothes and cosmetics to cover my insecurity. What i say its true, believe it or not, its your choice. And so it was argued that " so fat and ugly still wear until like that" ryte? what? so fat cannot wear " nice clothings "? ( i assume your "like that" meant "nice clothing" or what you think as "attention-seeking" clothing. Whatever seriously. what kind of logic is that? Fat and ugly pple cannot choose to wear dress, wear sleeveless mehs? So if they wear like that to school is because they want to attract attention? So fat people cannot wear dresses, cannot wear sleeveless, cannot wear striking colours and cannot wear other colours beside black izzit? Oh, now i get it. So fat and ugly people cannot wear "nice-clothing" lahs, very attention seeking wan lehs. Ok, mayb i am the only fat and ugly person who wears so " attention-seeking" Thats your opinion. I shall not say that you are wrong. But to me, i make an effort in my dressing simply just meant that i am vain and insecured with my looks but not " attention-seeking" I seriously hate this word, because this is an assumption about me and when it is not true. Perhaps, i attracted your attention but it does not imply that i am attention seeking. I hope the difference can be seen. Just something more to be mentioned. During my secondary one days, i would go out with my friends in very baggy jeans as well as a just an ultra normal t-shirts. Yes, at that time i was way fatter cos keep binging on food and dunno how 2 control weight. Very ugly also cos eyelids not developed and triple chin. Yes, really. Moreover, i stil received bad comments though even i was an "super normal fat girl". It was commented: " So fat and ugly already still don't want to make an effort to dressup. "everytime go out wear the same jeans not sianz mehs? " "hair so unkept" "pimple face" these comments are still remembered and i think its way worser than " attention-seeking". Can you believe it? i bought my first short skirt during end of secondary two? And i started to concern about my skincare only at secondary three? And i started dieting in secondary two because i want to wear skirt with less fat legs. Very low self esteem on looks, so can i still be describe as "attention-seeking"? anyway this entry is not to change any opinions on me. Of course "attention seeking" can still be commented or whatever. this entry is to rant out why i am so vain, zi lian and whatever "attention-seeking" that what is commented. can i be not vain? i can't do it. it has become a habit to put on cosmetics and making an effort to dress up. I think making an effort to dress up is good because i can feel more confident and not facing comments like " no sense of style" or " cannot dress properly". I like it when i have to shop for clothes, i like to apply makeup on my face. I am vain, ugly fat but so? haha. i think i m jenuinely nice. And it does not mean that i dun retailate, you can attack me. I m not soft, i am just tolerating. When my tolerance is at the limit, don't blame me for being not nice. you can choose to disagree completely what i say. you can choose to dislike me for my character or whatever. Its not like your comment is going to kill me or anything. Of course, i wouldn't say " it doesn't bother me because if its really not bothering me, i wouldn't type out such a long entry." But seriously its is just a small impact in my life. " Life goes on, even the whole world is against you ". my quote. (: much loves, jenuinejen :D |
